Dr. Pam Thompson

Dr. Pam Thompson

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Seven Ways Women Pro-l-o-n-g SIngleness

By Dr. Pam Thompson



In my Women’s Group the other day, I was smack-dab in the middle of my discussion on the unwise choice to hang one’s hat for marriage on a guy who’s 40 or over and has NEVER been married. (This is research-based by the way and not just my opinion).  One person asked, “So Dr. Thompson is your advice applicable to WOMEN over 40 who’ve never been married?”  My knee-jerk reaction was, “Oh no…this only applies to men.”  As soon as this came out of my mouth, I had an uncharacteristic  twitch in my chest which I had never  had when giving this tried-and-true advice.  Upon further soul searching, review of a myriad of clinical and personal experiences, and consultation, I realized I had to adjust my counsel.   I returned to my group with the following:

“Ladies as we discussed in our last session, men in this category are a potentially ‘scary’ group to choose from because men in general have a different NEED for marriage than we do and yet some men have chosen to pass.  There's a huge REASON for that as we’ve already explored.  However, I must say that the women in this category are in fact there for a reason as well, though usually not a ‘scary’ reason--that is, assuming that they desired marriage in the first place.”

For the record, let me just say that I do believe there are men and women who are called to singleness by God, and so the following information is not intended to be absolute, but rather just a summary of what I usually see and experience.  Also, I say this delicately and without ANY judgment or condemnation.  So if you’re in this category, please grant me some grace in airing my experiences, and see if anything applies to you.

I find that women in the over 40 and never-been-married category:

  • Have often made romantic decisions (or lack thereof) without self-awareness, self-love, or self-respect (which you can't obtain or test out in isolation); they simply stayed with the wrong guy too long.
  • Have been 1000% resistant toward marrying outside of their race
  • Have not been intentional  in their pursuit of understanding men/studying their ways
  • Have demonstrated  rebellion against conventional wisdom (e.g., why should a man buy the cow when he can get the milk free for years)
  • Have demonstrated varying degrees of distorted thinking (e.g., "I don't need him; I can do it" "I won't go hang out at a sports bar because men might think I'm there to meet them" "why should I say thank you to him when that's what he's supposed to do")
  • Have not consistently invested in their appearance because "if he really loves me he shouldn't care what I look like."
  • Have lived by the distorted belief that he should magically come to the conclusion that it's time to marry me without me having to make that plain and clear (by my actions) that marriage is my ONLY objective for long term connection. 

With regard to this last point, this means a clear communication from woman to man that "you can keep treating me as a non-priority if you want to or you can keep hanging out in single's places or you can keep ignoring the things important to me, but you won't have ME in your life anymore... I'm outta her,"--graciously and kindly.  

No need to ever be mean, rude, dismissive, or disrespectful when choosing to leave a relationship that's going nowhere fast.  Always leave the door cracked (IF he's worth it), to allow him time to reflect on and adjust to the boundary you've set and stuck to.  Men won't do better until they have a REASON to do better and COMMIT.

If you’re intrigued by this article and want to know more, please join others at a life-changing retreat June 12-13 hosted by Hasani Pettiford, a wonderfully refreshing and knowledgeable relationship expert , and me.  Click the link (www.positionedformarriage.com) to find out how to begin the process of self-awareness and wholeness at an entirely new level.   Get the facts on how to find your mate while also finding yourself.  

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